Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Don't tell me you're on acid again
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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