Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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