Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Randomize
