i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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