Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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