Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
