I can tuck mytits in my pants
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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