You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
