I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
