I CAN MOONWALK!
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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