My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
