Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
