It's a beautiful day for a hangover
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
