There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
