As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
