I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We're too hungover to prance.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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