i just wanna soil my oats bro
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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