Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
