Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My cat gives me a boner
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm really busy with my period
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
