I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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