i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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