2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Randomize
