your thong is hanging out like whoa
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
