My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
