Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
