Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
