I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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