Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
