I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
