highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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