Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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