i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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