I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
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