My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
