There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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