I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
