I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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