my mouth tastes like poor choices
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
