If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
