i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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