Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
