Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
So apparently I’m into choking now
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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