apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
