I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
