did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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