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halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
