i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
