So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
