jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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