Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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