I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
