why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
